Not just a costume

So it all started a few years a go when I was in DC. I stumbled upon this cute little thrift store just outside of the city. There, I found this gorgeous black hat with a veil. I knew the person who once lived a tragic but meaningful life. It was like I could see the story behind this piece of clothing.

Fast forward to this week. It’s almost Halloween and I know I want to wear this hat. After looking through my closet I put together a mourner’s outfit. The day of Halloween I get up and get ready. I make dramatic black tear running down my face, pale make up, red eyes, the whole nine yards.

I was so excited guys, I love Halloween. I love getting dressed up and being someone else for a day. Choosing to be ANYTHING. You can be a unicorn for the day and you get candy! How is this not the best holiday?

So why did I choose to be a mourner? I really hadn’t asked myself that question until I was sitting in CGA class. Sitting in class, in prayer, God spoke to me. He asked me, “why did you choose this?”. I could have been anything; a queen or a bunny, but for some reason I chose a mourner. At first I tried to justify it, “Well it went with my hat, and this hat is the bomb dot com. “ “Is that really it.”, He said in that still small voice.

NO it wasn’t. Deep within me, I know there was a profound reason I chose to be this. Then it hit me right in the face. I was a mourner. Truly in every sense of the word, I am a mourner. I just lost my grandpa, a great and influential man in my life. I miss him with all of my being.

Life is so, “go go”. It’s hard to find time to stop and feel. I hadn’t taken the time to stop and let myself feel sad about his death. He was a great man, who walked out God’s love with every step he took. He was wisdom with every breath he took, he was love with every beat of his heart and now he’s in heaven.

Honestly I felt selfish for being sad. What right do I have to wish he was back on earth with me? Tell me, why would I wish him back here? I would convince myself that it’s wrong to want him with me again. But it’s not wrong, it’s not shameful, or a feeling I should wish away. He is someone I love. Yes, knowing I’ll see him again is a great comfort, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get to mourn.

My costume was more than just a costume; it was a way to express how I felt inwardly in a safe way. This Halloween, I started the mourning process. I’m not sure what that looks like. I do know that the first step is being okay with being sad. It’s being okay with missing someone who was important in your life. I invite you to walk through this with me. Maybe you’ve lost something, a job, an animal, a child, a friend. Whatever it is, I invite you to mourn; unashamed and free to feel all the things. Let it out and let God work.